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Although I did not go to my class reunion because of sensory overload and driving issues, I did party vicariously with some of my favorite buddies through their Facebook posts, pictures, and texts. It looked like a great time was had by all and although I couldn’t recognize a lot of my classmates, some of my friends who were there were able to place names to some of the faces.

One of my classmates, who knows about my MS, texted me and asked if I had attended. Instead of texting back, I decided to call him. I’m glad I did. He and his wife did attend the reunion event, but he missed the following night’s party because of having to go to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain, which was quickly diagnosed as diverticulitis. My mom and brother both have issues with this painful condition, and I have IBS, so I understood the extreme pain he was in.

My friend told me a bit about the status of his medical situation and then I started talking about my own. I told him about the latest goings on with my MS, IBS, and a recent head injury (subdural hematoma) of which I’ve been slowly healing from. I also told him about members of my family who are going through their own chronic health issues too. I felt very much at ease talking to him about all of these things, but after a couple minutes he interrupted me to say (and I paraphrase), "Time out…enough is enough!"

He wasn’t rude in his verbiage, but his point was quite clear in that I was going on and on past the point of the conversation being comfortable or even understandable to him as the listener. I wish I could remember exactly what he said to me, but all I know is this turned out to be an excellent moment of clarity for me as to my own conversational habits. There’s a time and place to share and elaborate our health woes and medical stories, but it’s important to know your audience and try not make the conversation all about you. I think I do this too often.

Know your audience

I have talked a lot about the importance of setting boundaries for yourself and for your own self-care needs. I have also written on the subject too. But this is one area I have not always paid enough attention to as it can

Reining in the woes talk
Sometimes it’s good to just listen. Sometimes it’s not about you, so don’t make the conversation about you. Sometimes it helps to set a timer to keep your “health chat” from taking over. Sometimes it’s good to be silly and upbeat. Sometimes the less said, the better.

possibly affect others and relationships. I don’t mean to say we shouldn’t share or discuss such things, but it’s important to set limits. Try to recognize the who, where, when, what, why, etc. as the conversation begs for sharing health and medical talk. 

If we find ourselves monopolizing a conversation with details about our own health issues, it can be off-putting to the listener and it can even set the tone as negative. I’ve noticed myself falling into this negative pitfall from chatting with my mother. She’s been going through her own issues for the past few years and each day I call just to check in on her it’s nothing but doom and gloom. I can’t change her, but I can change the way I react (or don’t react) to her “Debbie Downer” way of life these days. It’s easier said that done, that’s for sure.

It's important to listen to ourselves and what we’re saying. Also, try to take note of the tone or feedback from whomever we may be talking to. If they are quick to hang up or ignore calls, leave, or cancel plans for in person engagements, these could be signs. If people don’t interact with you or if they choose to text versus having an actual chat with you, these could also be big signs. 

In other words, think about who your audience is and even so, try to limit the time as to how much you spend talking about MS and health stuff. Of course, if we are in an online forum or social media group geared specifically for MS, this is a different story. Even so, such online conversations can and should include other nonmedical chatter when the time calls for it. 

I know it’s hard for a lot of us who live with MS to not let it occupy our day to day lives. It can seem as if our lives revolve solely around MS, but our lives are much more than MS and we have so much more to talk about, right? Pity parties are definitely allowed but try not let them become the norm. That’s a dark rabbit hole no one wants to tumble into.

Life stuff after woes chatter

Let me go back to my friend who prompted me to stop – to take a moment and learn how to recognize and realize when enough is enough. He told me his way of addressing and adhering to this boundary is to allot five to 10 minutes of “medical woes chat” with his friends and family and then it’s time to move on to other life stuff (i.e., mutual interests, friends, events, funny stuff, etc.). My friend told me he makes sure his message is politely clear to those around him and if they do not adhere to his needs (boundaries), then he will actually hang up the phone or will remove himself from the situation or the person(s) entirely. It may sound harsh, but I get it.

I may not be able to set the same rules as my friend does in this arena, but he was quite clear in telling me he cared about me and my overall well-being, but the medical chatter was too much. I could’ve been offended. Instead, I appreciated his honest feedback and it’s a habit change worth exploring.

I have talked a lot about the importance of setting boundaries for mental wellness and other self-care needs. I have read and written quite a bit on the subject too. But this is one arena of setting boundaries for myself I have not paid enough attention to as it pertains to relationships and happiness.